There is so much to write about love, relationships, and all the ways in which dysfunction and toxicity can occur; but today I want to talk about the astrology of toxic relationships, and in particular, the intense feelings of sick love, limerence, and the inability to let someone go despite a dysfunctional relationship.
Astrology of toxic relationships
When it comes to dysfunctional relationships, we're always looking at what I call the "trauma planets": Pluto, Neptune, Uranus, Saturn. Pluto plays out as compulsions, Neptune delusions, Uranus instability, Saturn lack of security. Each and every one of these planets can trap you in a trauma bond and render a relationship highly complicated to navigate.
Limerence
But today I want to talk about limerence. Have you ever met someone and, almost instantly, fell deeply infatuated and perhaps later on in love with them, and yet, this incredible pull, attraction, and feeling of belonging together, never lived up to the reality of the relationship?
Maybe this person does not have your best interest at heart, maybe you don't trust them, or maybe they don't really reciprocate your feelings. Maybe when your friends ask you what it is about them that you find so incredibly enticing, you come up short, or you have a long list of traits or innocuous moments you look at lovingly, but these traits don't match up with reality.
Maybe you ask yourself - what is going on with me, have I been put under a spell?
Yes. You absolutely have. We call this spell: Neptune.
Neptune role in limerence
Neptunians are easy to recognize. When clients order a reading and their email start with "I have met this person and felt an instant divine connection with them", I know from that point on I'm talking to a Neptunian. Neptunians are people who are sensitive, empathic, romantic, imaginative and soft.
They live in lalaland, they seek a type of love that will uplift them and rescue them from the harsh and stern reality. Neptunians can be the most loving and accepting folks you'll ever find, they can also be the most delusional and bound-to-get-hurt people you'll ever see.
How do you know which camp they're in?
It's easy. If a Neptunian has their dreams in congruence with reality - they're in bliss. If a Neptunian lives in incongruence with reality - they'll make the reality fit their dream, no matter what the cost.
Scenario #1: Healthy Neptune
The Neptunian meets someone at a bar. It's love at first sight. The moment they lay their eyes on them, they feel a pull. They get to know them, and no matter what they learn about the person, they keep on representing a dream to them. Good information fuels the dream. Bad information is accepted and forgiven, repainted a bit pinkier than it truly is.
This person is not the god the Neptunian perceives them to be, but they're compatible and a good person in general. They will be doted on by the Neptunian. Over time, the Neptunian might come to realize they had projected a lot of fantasies on the person, and depending on how mature and calibrated they are, they will either experience painful disappointment and sorrow, or they will simply gloss over it and learn how to love and accept their partner nonetheless.
This is very typical of people with positive Neptune/Moon, Neptune/Venus, Neptune/Mars aspects in their charts. The person they met has a placement in their chart that activated the Neptunian's pattern. Maybe their Venus falls on their Neptune. Maybe their Sun, or Moon, activated the Neptunian frenzy.
Scenario #2: Unhealthy Neptune
The Neptunian meet someone at a bar. It's love at first sight. The moment they lay their eyes on them, they feel a pull. They get to know them, and no matter what they learn about the person, they keep on representing a dream to them. The Neptunian is unbeknownst to them, using the person as a receptacle for their wildest romantic fantasies. But the more they get to know the person, the more they realize the person is not who they thought they were. They gather intel after intel that this person is not someone they are compatible with, safe with. But the cost is too great, the dream must go on. The Neptunian will discard all the information that indicates this is not a good or safe match and will hang on to that longing and incredibly intoxicating energy they feel around this person. They will get into a state of cognitive dissonance, having to juggle with completely dissonant information and feelings ("I'm in love with them they're my soulmate", and "they lied to me, disrespected me, and cheated on me").
This is very typical of people with challenging Neptune aspects in their chart, especially if Neptune is in bad aspect with the ruler of the 5th or 7th house. This is someone who has a pattern of dissonance between their dreams and reality, and someone who has been trained to disregard reality. We can extrapolate about the kind of trauma one went through to cope with reality this way, but to stay on the topic of limerance and dysfunctional relationships, someone with a challenging Neptune will meet someone who will also probably challenge their Neptune by synastry (Neptune square Sun, Neptune square Mercury, Neptune square Venus) and they will be enslaved in a relationship which we might qualify as a "fantasy bond" - something only challenged Neptunians really indulge in.
For the challenged Neptunian, the task is to constantly assess if their dream, wild longings and pull toward romance with a specific person, is in congruence with reality. This is the most important step for a Neptunian as, the Neptunian will be very willing very early on to surrender their heart, abandon any kind of boundary, and let themselves merge and enmesh with another person - setting themselves up for yet another disappointment once the fog clears out.
Want more? Here's a list of resources:
- Check out my Amazon recommended reading list for Neptunians
- Learn how to interpret your chart + anyone's chart and understand in depth the chart + psychological patterns with my course
- Order a relationship patterns reading or a synastry reading